I’m sorry this post is a day late, but yesterday was a rat day. We had to jump through some hoops to treat our Stanley for lice (generally, rats don’t appreciate bath time), and we had to bury our beloved Valentine, who passed on the 24th. I spent 3 days nursing him- hoping, despairing, hoping again, despairing again. It was brutal. We’d only had him for 10 days, but he was really very special, and I felt a strong bond with him. I spent most of the week crying.
Not only was I worried about Valentine, sleeping only a few hours at a time so I could make sure he was getting water, etc., but watching him get sicker and sicker took me back to a very dark time in my recent past. Over the course of 5 years, I lost my father, my uncle, my aunt, two grandmothers, my grandfather, and my ex. Also during that time, Bear lost his mom and his aunt. So that’s 9 people in 5 years. Bear also had a major heart attack during that time, and all the stress and grief triggered my body to start showing the signs of fibromyalgia. I was stuck in a long period of mourning and grief, and I thought I would never pull out of it. Watching Valentine breathe and struggle brought me straight back into that bone deep grief, and I’m tearing up right now just writing about it.
It was a wake up call for me. I’ve seen a trauma counselor, and I’ve taken happy pills. And I honestly thought I had gotten through to the other side of all the pain. But spending those last 3 days with Valentine showed me that I didn’t get to the other side of anything. I just buried it. Grief has no time limit.
So that brings me to the reason I chose this deck. This is the Revelations Tarot by Zach Wong. When my father was dying from lung cancer, my sister and I drove to his house to be with him. We were away from our homes and our families, kind of stuck an hour and a half away. We were also so intimately involved with his disease every day, sitting by his bedside as he begged to die, moaned, and cried. There were also struggles with his church friends who, predictably, didn’t think much of me with my blue hair and tattoos. They were constantly there, treating his deathbed like party central. I also struggled with my hypocritical stepbrother and friction with my stepmom, who was also going through her own pain.
So, one day after completely losing my shit and yelling at the congregation in the living room, my sister and I retreated to a local Barnes and Noble for a little break. I had been eyeing this deck for months, and lo and behold, there it was. I needed something to reconnect with myself and my spirituality, and what better than a new tarot deck?
So when we got home, I decided to do a reading about the most important issue at hand. When would Dad pass, and how would it come to be? The very first card I drew was had a picture of a bald man, languishing as if in pain. For whatever reason, I’ve never been able to find the card again, and I suppose I’m grateful for that. At any rate, it was so clearly my father, and my sister and I were really freaked out. So I went on with the reading, and it was absolutely accurate. It said 3 days, and it was 3 days.
This deck was so tied up with that death and illness, that for many years, I only used it when someone was extremely sick or dying. It’s my ‘death deck’. The imagery is beautiful, but otherworldly, and it really lends itself well to that purpose. However, last Samhain, I decided to try to use it to contact my grandparents, who had passed the year before. The reading was so clear, so beautiful, and so relevant to me, that it felt like a direct message and a warm hug from them. So it has another purpose for me as well.
I used it this week because I’m still submerged in the experience of losing Valentine, and also because I feel disconnected and wanted to connect with my beloved departed. And while I did what I normally do, asking for a reading that would be relevant for anyone who reads this, this reading is very obviously for me, and I can clearly hear the voice of my grandfather.
In the past position, we have Strength. This card is about finding your personal inner strength, facing your demons, and coming through internal battles. Yes, obviously, I’ve come through a lot, and that is a firm basis of strength for me to build on in the present and future.
In the present position, we have the Magician reversed. The Magician is all about manifesting things and using your creativity to make things happen. However, in the reversed position, he indicates that we’re not using our talents or creativity. We’re not living up to our potential. *looks at my unedited novel and half-finished novels and short stories*
In the future position, we have the Ace of Pentacles reversed. When this card is reversed, it indicates that you’re on the wrong path, or that you are heading towards something that will not be prosperous for you. So if we continue to waste our talents in the present, we’ll never get where we need to be in our futures.
Again, personally, this message was loud and clear, and I could hear my grandfather’s voice in it. He’s telling me what I already know.
Does this reading reasonate for you? Also, I’m curious to find out if you have particular ways of communicating with the dead. Do you use tarot? Another form of divination or meditation?
Blessed be! 🙂