Expand and contract
My energy is failing
Tried to do too much
My fibro body
Is filled with muscles aching
These poems sum up perfectly how I’ve been feeling today. For the past week or so, I’ve been feeling pretty good. I’ve been feeling expansive. I’ve been joining groups, making friends, and socializing. I’ve been really getting into eating vegetarian (mostly vegan) again, and I’ve been feeling really healthy and positive about that. Yesterday, I went grocery shopping and spent most of my time in the produce section, with a side trip to the natural foods section.
Things have been great.
And today, or more precisely last night, the crash happened. I’m still excited about all these things, I just don’t have the energy for follow through. As an introvert, social stuff uses spoons/tokens/energy. Getting excited about things and trying to make changes to my routine take energy.
So it occurred to me that with fibro, not only are you hyper-aware of your muscles and the pain therein, but your body takes on the properties of a muscle. There are periods of expansion, and periods of contraction. Today, I’m not really wanting to communicate, not wanting to ‘put myself out there’. And I’m excited about the dinner that I’m making (veggie tacos with soy chicken strips), but that’s pretty much all I’m going to be doing. I’ve done my tarot post, I’ve written my poems (though they were haiku copouts), and I may just watch a movie. WITHOUT looking at my phone to see who’s doing what and who wants to chat.
If you suffer from chronic illness or know someone who does, I would HIGHLY recommend a blog that a friend of mine just started. She has a way of articulating things about chronic illness that I find difficult to express. You can find her writing at ATokenLife.wordpress.com.
I’ll be watching my mom’s dog at her house while she travels in the first week of May, and I’m going to take that time to A. cook delicious veggie food B. celebrate Beltane, and C. sleep. I never get enough sleep at home, and that’s part of the problem. Maybe I’ll paint. Maybe I’ll write. Maybe I’ll have panic attacks and freak myself out like I did last time. Or maybe it will be fine. Who knows? All I know is that I could use the change of scenery.
Unrelated: I’m almost finished with the Gormenghast Novels by Mervyn Peake. Holy shit they were good, but it took me 3 1/2 months to get through all 3 of them. I usually read much faster, but the prose is very, very descriptive, and makes you feel like you’re trudging through deep water. Beautiful, immersive, deep water. Now I’m really excited to start something new. 🙂