Good news: I found my runes while looking through my old herb collection!
Bad news: All of my herbs are waaaayyy too old and stale to use for anything. They all smell like dust.
Good news: I found a great supplier who sells the herbs I need cheap on Ebay!
Bad news: I spent my last $20 getting some things I needed for a Samhain incense. Should have been more responsible.
Bad news: Spent last night in the ER. 🙁 Have been having some serious back pain, which escalated in a major way last night. I was also having trouble breathing. I was scared that I was having a heart attack. Everyone else is doing it, I thought it was my turn. 🙁
Good news: They Xrayed my chest, and heart and lungs look good! Also got an ultrasound, and my gallbladder and liver look good as well. I was really nervous about 3 of those 4 things in particular. My heart, for obvious reasons, my lungs because of all the lung cancer in my family, and my liver because that’s where the majority of the pain is centered.
Bad news: Still no idea where the pain is coming from then. It’s mostly centered around my right rib cage, but my entire back is pretty fucked up as well. I’m a little worried it might be something chronic.
Good news: I pocketed a vial of my own blood that was just sitting there when I was released. It’s going on the Samhain altar.
Good news: I’m making a Samhain altar.
Bad news: I don’t know where all my stuff is so I’m having to buy more. I really should organize one day.
This pain thing really has me in a weird headspace. I’m kind of feeling like this is my karmic lesson for this lifecycle. My great skill is endurance. I endure pain and stress. It’s pretty much the thing that I’m best at.
I’ve had chronic pain from my hip for most of my life. I had a hip replacement and a hysterectomy when I was 31, and that alleviated most of my pain. It was such a huge, welcome relief. I hardly knew what to do with myself for those years that I felt good.
But it’s creeping back up on me. Part of it is that I have a somewhat physical job. I could handle it if it wasn’t for my hip, and the way my body/skeletal/muscular system was twisted (straightened, actually, but I was so used to being twisted from my bad hip that the straightening fucked everything up). I sometimes feel OK, just a slight ache, and sometimes I feel like I’m being stabbed. There also isn’t a single morning that I wake up where I’m not in pain. It’s been a while since I’ve felt that way, but it goes a long way to robbing me of any joie de vivre I might otherwise be able to summon in the morning.
I’m just.. Tired. Very, very tired. All I want to do is sleep and hide from pain. There isn’t a great way to do that and make a living. If I move around too much (like at work), I hurt. If I sit around here at the house, I hurt. I can take ibuprofen and feel somewhat better, but if I took the dosage I need as often as I need it, my stomach would be a bleeding mess. I’m going to switch to Naproxen and see if that doesn’t do the trick.
So, I just keep doing what I have to do. I have to work to pay bills, etc.
Why am I bringing this up here, on my writing blog? Because it’s yet another excuse for why I haven’t been writing. You would think that writing would be just the thing to get me through all of this, but I find that I don’t have joy for much these days, except for Bear. I’m going to try to power through, but it just is what it is.
Also, reading back at previous entries, I’m noticing a trend. I come here to make excuses for why I’m not writing. Maybe if I was a bit easier on myself, the stress wouldn’t compound like it does. Because I’m 100% sure the stress is just making things worse.
Anyways, enough whining.
As I was digging through my herbs, I found my runes! I have been looking for them ever since I moved to this house, and I was SO happy to find them. However, the paper I’d printed with the meanings wasn’t there. That’s fine, I’ll make a new one.
Today I pulled Tiwaz.
According to this website;
Tiwaz: This is the Rune of faith, truth, trust, loyalty and devotion, summed up by the old word “troth.” You can expect justice, especially if you base your actions on well thought out plans. The path to enlightenment may lead through self-sacrifice. If you have dark corners, clean them out now. If you need help to cleanse the corners, seek an expert. Only then can the harvest ripen. If you evidence “troth,” you can expect it in return. This Rune may signify a scientist, philosopher or scholar.
Hopefully soon, I’ll dig out my tarot cards as well.
I’ve been watching a lot of YouTube videos lately. If you’d like to see my favorites, check me out over there at http://www.youtube.com/user/AmieRavenson
One of the things that really strikes me about some of these videos is the materialism of Wiccans and Pagans. We do like to have our specific herbs/candles/oils/etc. I’m guilty of this myself. However, I definitely believe that you should be able to build an altar in your mind, and do a ritual with nothing more than your imagination.
I may make a video on that topic. It’s one of those ‘maybe someday’ projects. Along with a description of the difference between Wiccans and Pagans and why I don’t tend to call myself Wiccan. *shrug*