So anyone who knows me knows that Husbear and I have had a significant number of challenges over the last few years. It’s OK, I honestly believe that these challenges were put here for us to learn from so we can evolve. I have to believe that, or I’d just be really damn hopeless all the time.
We’ve just had another round of crazy scary health stuff with Husbear’s big bear heart, and at the same time we lost the last of my 3 dogs. It was devastating. They’ve been with me for 15-16 years, through all the worst times in my life. They gave me a reason to keep going when I would have just given up otherwise. Mostly because they were so neurotic and aggressive to anyone but me that I knew nobody else would be able to take care of them.
I left the hospital on Friday to check on Puck, knew it had to be done, and dug a hole. Then went back to the hospital to check on Bear, came BACK home, picked up Puck, took him to the vet for his final visit, took him back home to bury him, and then showered and went back to the hospital. It wasn’t the worst day of my life, but it was in the top 10. BELIEVE that I snuck booze back into the hospital and had a couple drinks before sleeping on that hard hospital couch again.
So now we’re stuck in this space of ‘Where do we go from here?’ I haven’t really processed losing Puck, other than noticing that I don’t have to take him outside 5 times/night anymore, or not worrying about locking him out of places where he liked to pee. I feel like I could use a huge long cry, but I just can’t seem to feel it. I’m numb about a lot of things. I’m sure I’ll break down at some point. But right now, I’m more worried about trying to keep Bear healthy and deciding what I need to really focus on going forward.
Our diet and (lack of) exercise are forefront in my mind. I had been considering meal prepping as a way to eat healthier and not have to worry about dinner every night, thinking that that would help me be more productive. So I’ve started that, and while it’s a pain in the ass, it’s a pain in the ass for one day that I don’t have to worry about for the rest of the week. I like that. We haven’t really worked out an exercise plan, but we’re both pretty draggy still (Bear from his shiny new stent and all the new drugs he’s on, and me from the fibro flare backlash from stress). So that will come later. But we’re plugging along, trying to get back into a routine of sorts.
Also forefront in my mind is addressing our finances. I’ve had an open disability case for almost 3 years now, and my court date is in May. We’ve been far too poor for far too long, and that needs to change immediately. Somehow, I got into the mindset that poverty is OK, it’s just something you deal with. That’s bullshit. I’m not able to do the same things that other people do, and a job is still pretty much out of the question, but the universe has some money it’s holding for me, and I’m going to get it. I just need to work backwards and figure out the steps.
Anyone who has followed my videos or posts here ALSO knows that I work primarily with two deities; Hecate and Inanna. I love working with them as two sides of a coin.
Hecate is very much the Goddess of the dark things, the underworld, magick, and the dead. I have a strong connection to her through all of my experiences with death, from losing people to my own suicidal ideation (that I’m managing very well, thank you- no need for alarm). I’ve grown less and less afraid of death as I’ve been deeply surrounded by death energy. I’m well aware of the thin line between this world and the next, and how easy it is to slip across.
So while Hecate is goddess of the Underworld and of death, Inanna represents the goddess who came back from the Underworld. In the story of Inanna’s descent, we see that she goes to the underworld to visit her sister, Ereshkigal. (And also possibly conquer the Underworld- but what’s a little rivalry between siblings?) She’s trapped in the Underworld, and hung from a hook, dead, for 3 days.
She’s brought back through the hard work of Ninshubur (her second-in-command) and the intervention of the god Enki, but her husband Dumuzi has to take her place. So though she’s experienced the loss of her love AND her own mortality, she still chooses to emerge into the sun again. She is known as the goddess of love, sex, and of war, which are all very life-affirming things.
But wait, can war be life affirming? YES. It depends on what you choose to fight for. Fighting for justice, for equality, for rights- all are very life-affirming. I’m fighting for our health in a metaphorical sense. I’ll be fighting to motivate myself to get exercise, to take care of my Bear. I’m very invested in this fight.
So essentially, she comes back from her loss, she comes back from almost losing herself in that cold death energy, and she emerges into the light. She’s been touched by death, but she chooses life. She’s gained knowledge from her time in the dark that will affect her forever, but she decides to feel love, to enjoy sex, and to fight the righteous fight.
So, while I would be justified in staying in that deep, dark, Hecate energy for a while, succumbing to the depression that’s always just a single bad thought away, enveloping myself in mourning, I’m going to choose life instead. I’m going to choose Inanna. Not that Hecate doesn’t have her own important lessons to teach, but right now I want to walk in the light. I want to find myself surrounded by love, sex (yeah, so?), growth, and the motivation to keep pushing myself forward and make positive, life-affirming changes.
So I’m curious, what do you do to embrace life? What do you do to keep on a positive path? While we all must walk the darker paths at times, how do you keep yourself from succumbing to that darkness?
I’m genuinely curious and would love to hear back.
At any rate, take care of each other. Nothing is promised, and our lives are what we make them. Blessed be. <3