Hi, my name is Amie. I just went off meds for about 6 weeks due to a snafu with my refills not being available and my insurance not covering them anyways. They’re now $30/month and I honestly just didn’t feel like my mental health and happiness was worth $30/month, especially when I’m not working and bringing in money. This is how depression lies to you.
I was also under the false impression that if I was affected either way, I would become manic. I’ve been teetering on mania even on the meds, so I really thought that would be my reality. Bipolar is unpredictable. I went the other way.
So for that 6 weeks, I couldn’t bring myself to do much more than sleep all day, waiting for my Husbear to come home at night so I could make dinner and at least feel like I was doing something worthwhile. For about 2 weeks, I wrestled with suicidal ideation, feelings of worthlessness, and a complete inability to care about anything at all. Now, I know my reasons for staying here (Husbear, cats, family, etc.), but that doesn’t mean much when you’re at the lowest part of the cycle of bipolar. In fact, you may even start telling yourself that you would improve the lives of those around you by quietly checking out. This is another way that depression lies to you.
I was completely disconnected from my spirituality, completely unable to do anything but repeat THE WORST things to myself over and over in my head, and completely hopeless that things would ever get better.
Fast forward to now, and I’ve been back on meds for about a week now. I’m feeling so much better. I was functional enough to do dishes yesterday. I’ve gotten into an MMO that I’m actually able to enjoy. I needed something to care about, and so I found something. I still need to find something that I can create, as that’s the only time when I’m really myself, but for now, this will do. And I’m not sleeping my life away. I’m not telling myself that I’m worthless. I’m not thinking about leaving anymore. I’ll take it.
So my point is this. My brain chemistry is pretty severely fucked up. And the meds fix it. They may not be perfect, but they improve my life in an enormous way. People who are neurotypical simply have no way of understanding that. They may post things like ‘This isn’t an antidepressant (picture of pills), THIS is an antidepressant (picture of nature).’ Or make well-meaning but ignorant comments about how you attract what you focus on or how you just need to be more positive.
Please understand that when I’m at my worst, I think about walking through nature all the time. Usually one way. With the means of self harm. And never coming back out. Your little platitudes are at best meaningless, and at worst show a complete lack of empathy, compassion, and understanding.
Please understand that I struggle to latch onto even one positive thought, even the slightest bit of hope when I’m at my worst. I try SO hard to find some positivity, but it just eludes me. That’s what chemical depression does. It’s not a lack of effort on my part to be more positive. It’s not a symptom of being disconnected from my spirituality. You can’t find positivity or spirituality at the bottom. They just don’t exist down there.
The one thing that helps fucked-up brain chemistry is chemistry. My pills are a sacrament. They do not disconnect me from my spirituality and my ability to self-heal, they are the MEANS of connecting to spirituality and self-healing. They are gifts from my goddess to me, because she wants me to be productive and functional. Trying to disconnect science from magick is incredibly short-sighted. SCIENCE IS MAGICK. Ingratitude for one shows a lack of understanding for the other.
What could be more magickal than the way cells each know their particular function and work together to make our bodies work? What could be more magickal than finding other worlds in nearby solar systems that might also hold life? What could be more magickal than the dance of atoms that make up all matter in the universe, and how those atoms vibrate to the energy that never dies, but just transforms? What could be more magickal than these miraculous medicines that fix what’s wrong with us? This is all important. This is all sacred.
If you can’t understand that, you’re missing a big part of the whole picture. At the very least, don’t judge people for doing what they have to do to get by.
Blessed be! <3
Love you, Amie. Keep holding your head up. You are worth so much to this world and we need your light!
Thank you so much! Love you too, and I hate that we’re going to miss you this year at DC. Let’s plan to get dinner some time! *hugs*
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