I’m working on a ritual that I’ll be doing on the new moon on June 8th.  I’m feeling bogged down in everything lately, and I need to let go.  I need to clear my brain so that I can move onto bigger and better.  I’ve internalized a lot of anger and sadness about a lot of things, and a lot of the people I’m angry at are dead.  That serves NO purpose, and I need to clear myself to improve my health and my life in general.

I plan to write these things down, and really spend some time with them.  They each will get their own piece of paper, and as I write them, I’ll focus on them, dwell on them, really feel the emotions tied with them.  And then I’ll burn them at the new moon and do whatever it takes to release them.

For each piece of paper, I’ll put a small piece of black tourmaline in a bag to wear around my neck.  (Reminder to self: sew aforementioned bag)

This is my list:

1. Having to struggle to get through college where my sister’s way was paid with no problem.  I also want to let go of the hurt of my mother denying that I had to pay my own way, and telling my father (when he could have helped me) that I spent all my money on booze and partying when I actually spent every dime on books, gas, and an occasional meal at school.

2. My mother doing her best to make me feel worthless.  She takes her own feelings of inadequacy out on me, and projects her own problems onto me, then gets angry when I argue with her.  This happens once a year or so, usually around my birthday.  And then she doesn’t understand why I never want to celebrate my birthday anymore.  The fact is that I don’t want to celebrate it with HER.

3.  My father not being there for me as a kid, then turning his back on me as an adult.  Him not friending me on Facebook, and choosing his church/Tea Party friends over me.  (Actually, I let this go at Samhain, and it really does feel much lighter to me.  I’ll throw it in again this time for good measure.)

4.  My ex making me feel worthless.  I mostly did what it took to heal myself from that, namely dating around and proving to myself that I could get as much attention as I wanted, but it still pops up unexpectedly sometimes.  It’s time to let it go.  She’s out of my life for good, and I need to get the pain out of my life too.

5.  My sister’s sense of superiority since she’s had a kid.  She told me a few weeks ago that she really thought I was starting to grow up.  She’s 5 years younger than me, and has always had people to take care of the tough stuff for her.  I never have.  I never even asked for help.  I just took it for granted that I had to work hard for everything that I got out of life because my family’s help always came with guilt or strings.  I don’t really have a relationship with her anymore, since everything I say gets back to my mother, which means it goes to my aunt and uncle, her best friend, my grandmother, and anyone else who strikes up a conversation.  Neither she nor my mother have any boundaries when it comes to sharing private details of my life.

6.  My stepmom not returning my calls or making any move to keep in touch after my father passed.  She was my stepmother for 23 years, and I honestly thought that she loved us.  I never realized that she really just tolerated us for my father’s sake.

7.  My grandparents’ closed-mindedness.  I was never able to come out to them, partially because they’re very opinionated, and partially because my mother told me I would kill them if I did.  They never understood why I kept them at arm’s length, and most of that was because I couldn’t share 90% of my life with them.  I never introduced them to my partner of 7 years, because my mom thought she was just too lesbian.

8.  The general unfairness of all my health problems.  I have to wonder how different my life would have been if I’d been able to participate in sports or go for any length of time without surgery.  I try to be grateful for what I have, healthwise, but it’s tough sometimes.

9.  My willingness to settle professionally.  I’m 38 years old, and I just keep spinning my wheels.  My salary has degraded to 1/4 of what it was when I first graduated from college.  The job I’m in now actually physically hurts me, but I feel too tired or too hopeless to change it for myself.  Is it fear of success that keeps me from pursuing something that I might love, like finishing my novel?  It just seems like every time I follow my bliss, I end up disappointed and disillusioned.

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I also made an oil for spiritual purification, and I’m going to use that to annoint the tourmaline as I put it in the bag, annoint the bag periodically, and annoint myself during the ritual.

Spiritual Purification Oil

Fill a small bottle 1/2 way with sweet almond oil.  To that add:
13 drops rosemary oil
7 drops eucalyptus oil
5 drops lemon oil
5 drops lavender oil
3 drops peppermint oil
small pinch of sea salt or Himalayan salt
3 small pieces of sage

Amethyst would also be good to add to this, but I don’t have any small enough pieces to use.