Searching for Trixie

The series of novels I’m working on are very autobiographical.  Or at least, they are autobiographical in that there is a lot of wish fulfillment there for how I would actually like to live my own life.

For example, I have a character in my story that is based on what Bear and I would like to find in a third.  Trixie’s a sassy, funny CD submissive, which is pretty much exactly what we both want.  

When I was writing last November, we had started ‘online dating’ a lovely CD.  She (and I’ll call her she in this post, because that’s what she was to us then) was sexy, smart, fun, and funny.  She had a lot of the traits that I associate with Trixie.  And it was natural that I began to superimpose a lot of her traits onto Trixie.  The excitement of the budding relationship found its way into my writing, and just as Vine is essentially me, and Bear is essentially Bear, Trixie began to resemble SJ. 

However, truth be told, while she adopted some of SJ’s traits, they were always different people. 

Fast forward to now, and I’m writing Trixie again.  I’m so in love with her as a character.  However, our relationship with SJ has fallen apart, and I’m realizing that that’s just fine in terms of writing Trixie.  Trixie is very much our ideal, where SJ was human and had a lot of flaws.  That’s not to say that Trixie doesn’t also have flaws, but there was a big difference in them all along. 

It’s kind of interesting to watch her evolve independently now.  And it’s making me think a lot about the ideal of what I would like for Bear and I.  I want Trixie.  I want someone who gets us, gets our weird jokes, has all the great traits of SJ, but also is extremely sexual and creative. 

And I can’t help but hope that she has Trixie’s glossy black hair as well. 

Right now, we’re just looking for play partners, and we’re not being too picky.  But there is the hope that sometime in the future, we’ll find our third.  I want that 3 way connection that we kept bumping up against with SJ.  The only thing lacking there was passion, and I want that too.  I need that. 

I have a dream that we’ll find our Trixie some day.  So I’m sending this post out into the universe as a call for help. 

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