Pagan Blog Project Week 26- Mantra (and Mammaries)

My Goddess wants me to be happy.

*crosses legs, straightens spine, begins breathing deeply and mindfully*

My Goddess wants me to be happy.  My Goddess wants me to be happy.

*begins tensing and releasing muscle groups, starting at head and moving downward*

My Goddess wants me to be happy.  My Goddess wants me to be happy.  My Goddess wants me to be happy.  My Goddess wants me to be happy.

*attempts to clear all other thoughts from my brain*

(What is that?  Did I just get a mosquito bite in the middle of my back?  Or is that some random phantom itch?)

*clears mind again*

My Goddess wants me to be happy.  My Goddess wants me to be happy.

(Holy shit!  Did I pay the gas bill?)

*tenses back up, works to re-relax muscles*

My Goddess wants me to be happy.  My Goddess wants me to be happy.  My Goddess wants me to be happy.  My Goddess wants me to be happy.

(Maybe I should just go to sleep.  I haven’t been getting enough lately.  Melatonin.  Don’t want to rely on the melatonin.  FUCK!)

My Goddess wants me to be happy.  My Goddess wants me to be happy.

*breathes deeply, focusing on the movement of air through my entire body*

My Goddess wants me to be happy.  My Goddess wants me to be happy.  My Goddess wants me to be happy.  My Goddess wants me to be happy.

(Is it cancer?  It can’t be cancer.  I’m too young for cancer.  The nurse said it’s routine.  1 in 10 women get called back after the mammogram.  1 in 10 of those get biopsies.  2 in 10 of THOSE have cancer.)

*chest restricts, tries not to hyperventilate, shakes head to try to forcibly clear thoughts*

My Goddess wants me to be hap…

(What if they come and take my house while I’m on chemo?  Are there any government or charity programs that will help with back property taxes if you have cancer?)

*tears roll down my face, brush them away, and try ONE MORE TIME*

My Goddess wants me to be happy.  My Goddess wants me to be happy.  My Goddess wants me to be happy.

(These are all just tests.  They are lessons I must learn in this incarnation so I can move to the next.)

*breathes deeply, brain feels addled, joints and chest hurt*

Fuck it.

*lays down and plays with phone until sleep comes*

**********************

This is where my faith comes into play.  Not just my faith in my Goddess, but my faith in myself.  This is where I’m reminded that the wheel does, indeed, turn, and that the bad times are impermanent, but so are the good times.

Bear assures me that he will still love me if I am bald and only have one boob.

 

Leftie the Problematic
Leftie the Problematic